There is a way around everything -
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the Boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10.If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
Notice:
Please Notice!!
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.
And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.
It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices
September 28, 2009
HR people
Fancy deceptive trms used by people with fancy MBA degrees -
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Man or Machine
When you forget what part of the organisation are you ....
"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."
"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."
"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key."
"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."
"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"
"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."
"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"
"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."
"Hit any user to continue."
"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."
"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."
"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."
"Ooops! My brain just hit a bad sector."
"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."
"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."
"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."
"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key."
"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."
"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"
"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."
"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"
"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."
"Hit any user to continue."
"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."
"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."
"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."
"Ooops! My brain just hit a bad sector."
"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."
When your Manager calls you at the Quater's end
Different people different feedbacks -
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. on neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. on neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
The 10 Commandments...
Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work
Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images
Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Manager Thy God in Vain
Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy
Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements
Thou Shalt Not Kill Time
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment
Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes
Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch
Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images
Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Manager Thy God in Vain
Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy
Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements
Thou Shalt Not Kill Time
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment
Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes
Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch
A day on the job...
This is what you get to learn when you start working -
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
The messages that fill up our inboxes-
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
The messages that fill up our inboxes-
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)